"The things I want" by Ian

I want a warm cup of coffee... black, no sugar, I want it served with a goddamn smile for a change, and I want it at the "Cheval Blanc" pub in Taizé. I want it to be "free trade" coffee, dark roast, 100% pure Arabica, and I want a bar of Swiss chocolate to go with it.

I want people to stop asking me what language we speak in Romania and I wish they'd stop asking if there really are vampires there. I want Romania to be a monarchy and I want someone from the Oranje dynasty to be the king. I want a Romanian film to win the "Palme D'Or" at the Cannes Film Festival this year, and I want the director of that film to win an Oscar and refuse it. I want Romania to recognise Taiwan as a country.

I wish people would give a shit.

I want Roxana Saberi to be released. I want to buy her a thé à la menthe and talk to her about her book. I want Iran to change its name back to Persia and let its people choose their religion. I want people to stop assosciating Islam with violence and suicide bombers. I want Pope Benedict to stop whatever he's doing and retire. I want the Vatican Archives to be open to the world.

I want to write a novel... and I want people to actually read it. I want to direct a movie too. I don't want an award (though I wouldn't mind), I just want people to watch it and understand it.

I want understanding.

I want a pilot's license. I want a motorcycle and to go on a tour of Europe with it. I want to go skiing in the Swiss Alps and I wish I could say that without people interpreting it as posh. I want to go to a train station and jump on the first train leaving without asking where it's going.

When I have a bad day, I want people to shut the hell up and listen, and I wish people wouldn't ask "do you want to talk about it?" Of course I want to talk about it, you nimrod! I wish people would stop saying "can I ask you a question?" before asking me a question, and I never want to hear anyone say "never say never"...again! I wish people would stop asking me about my Facebook account, I never use the damn thing (and yes I said "never" again, and you can't stop me). I don't want to join your damn network, I don't want to take your survey, I do not want to hear about some poor child in Yugoswana who's got an elephant trunk growing out of his left ear.

Just once, when I get on a buss, I want a lady to get up and offer me her seat "because I look like a gentleman".

I wish people would be honest with each other.

I wish I could smoke without having to worry about my health, I wish people would legalise cannabis. I wounldn't smoke it, but at least Sean Paul would stop singing abou it. As a matter of fact, I wish people didn't need drugs at all. When I go into a pub and don't order a beer, I don't want to hear your pseudo-masculine lecture, you pussies. And I wish that when you go out drinking and wake up in the morning with a head twice its size, you could choose wich part of your memory you want erased.

Limba Română, versiunea lui Ian

În ultima vreme am observat că eu chiar trăiesc într-o lume a mea. Deşi e foarte diferită, are câteva puncte comune cu lumea voastră- sau, să zicem, lumea comună pe care o împărtăşim cu toţii, în caz că mai plătiţi şi voi chirie să aveţi o lume a voastră.

Unul din aceste puncte comune este limba, în cazul de faţă- Româna, pentru că, după cum v-aţi imaginat, Ianii din lumea mea trebuie să comunice cu nebunii din lumea "normală".

Ei, bine, dragii mei, există câteva diferenţe şi le nivel de limbă, aşa că daţi-mi voie să vă educ în ale Limbii Române după Ian.

Primul exemplu (cu totul arbitrar că în lumea lui Ian nu există alfabet) este după cum urmează:

Guşter

Româna de bază:
GÚŞTER, (I) guşteri, s.m., (II, III) guştere, s.n. I. S.m. Specie de şopârlă de culoare verde, cu coada lungă, care se hrăneşte cu insecte (Lacerta viridis). II. S.n. (Reg.) Gâtlej; esofag. ♦ Omuşor. III

Româna de baltă:
GUŞTER, Persoană care nu îl influenţează pe Ian în niciun fel, căreia nu îi dă nicio importanţă, este necunoscută, de o importanţă obscură sau chiar absentă. Persoană a carei existenţă pe această planetă nu are nicio importanţă de nicio formă sau culoare.

Exemplu:
"-Ai auzit de Dan Pavel?
-Nu, cine-i ăla?
-Ei... un guşter."

Cuvinte Derivate:
A GUŞTERI, A nu face nimic important. A pierde timpul, de cele mai multe ori cu o persoană neinteresantă (un guşter).

"-Ce faceţi măi aici?
-Guşterim."

Sinonime:
ŞPÂRLĂ (a nu se confunda cu paronimul şopârlă, care denumeşte un animal)
Ex:
"Ia vino la tablă, băi... şpârlă." Adrian Holban

Referinţe literare/din media:
"Reptilia lacerta pe latineşte, lézard în franceză, pe limba maternă guşter."
Toma Caragiu